PACE Series 4: Empathy and Expressing Feelings

Children and young people who have experienced trauma have very often experienced people who have related to them in ways that are hurtful, uncaring, or inconsistent.

This can have implications for how the child learns to understand and tolerate the feelings and inner experiences of others.

Adopting an empathic approach is essential for developing a trusting, emotional connection with children and young people. It is the foundation of safe relationships and an essential component of providing trauma informed care. 

What is Empathy?

Empathy is an active and genuine desire to understand and validate the emotion(s) of another without judgement.

When we are empathic, we adopt the perspective of the other person and understand why they are thinking, feeling and reacting in a certain way. We also feel the feelings of the other person by putting ourselves in their shoes.

Empathy is not about reassuring, nor is it about trying to make the problem go away. Rather, empathy means being present for the child or young person at the moment, helping them feel less alone in their emotions, sitting with them, and providing support and comfort.  

In a nutshell, empathy is…

·  “Feeling with” – this means stepping into the child’s shoes and connecting with their emotional experience.

· A genuine acknowledgement and validation of the young person’s feelings.

· Both reflective AND affective – it requires us to understand the perspective of another AND feel what they are feeling.

· The foundation of safe relationships and an essential component of providing trauma-informed care.

Empathy is not…

· Just a simple communication of care or concern (this is sympathy).

· Communicated through just words (we need to communicate empathy with our eyes, our facial expression, and our tone of voice!). 

· Ignoring difficult or undesirable behaviour.

·Making assumptions about how the child is thinking or feeling.

Examples of How to Communicate Empathy

There are lots of ways that we can communicate empathy through the words we use. We can start with general statements about the child’s emotional state. For example:

· “I can see that you are really angry at the moment. That must be really tough”, or;

· “I am sorry you feel that way. Feeling like I don’t care about you is a really big and horrible feeling to have.”

We can then follow up with more elaborate statements which wonder about the connections between the feeling and a specific situation (this adds an element of curiosity – the “C” in PACE) For example:

· “It hurt so much when she didn’t ask you to play. I wonder if you were thinking ‘Why did she do that?’ and that maybe it was a real shock for you”.

· “You wanted to have another turn so badly. That’s really tough. You seemed so excited about it. Maybe it feels really unfair that we ran out of time”.

· “This is really hard. You think I am being unfair, and that has made you angry with me… I totally understand why you don’t want to talk to me right now”.

Other non-verbal ways we can communicate empathy:

·         Relaxed, open body language (e.g., avoid crossed arms and legs).

·         Ensuring our facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice match our verbal messages.

·         Be fully present without distraction.

·         Engage in active listening.

Benefits of Empathy

· Empathy helps us to show a child or young person that their feelings and needs are important and valid and that we are there to help them.

·Empathy can help a child and carer to connect and work together to manage difficulties as they arise. 

·Empathy helps us to develop safe and trusting relationships with children and young people.

These relationships are key to a child’s development and are especially important for children and young people who have experienced trauma and attachment disruptions in early life.

How Empathy Fits in with the PACE Framework

Empathy is a key component of the PACE therapeutic parenting approach. 

The PACE Model is an attachment-focused approach developed by psychologist, Dr Dan Hughes that aims to promote attunement and connection in your interactions with children who have experienced developmental trauma.

The P.A.C.E model consists of four principles:

1. Playfulness

2. Acceptance

3. Curiosity

4. Empathy

Evidence shows that by consistently and effectively applying the four principles of P.A.C.E parenting, carers are better able to provide a child with the emotional containment and relational safety they need to develop secure attachments and begin to heal from their early traumatic experiences.

For a child who has experienced trauma, understanding and regulating their emotions can be difficult and overwhelming.

Empathy can help us to show a young person that we care about their feelings and that we are there to help them through them. 

How Meadows Psychology Service Can Help with Implementing PACE

In order to support children and young people to heal from their experiences of trauma, the system around them needs to work therapeutically.

Meadows Psychology Service provides PACE training for carers and a range of additional services to support organisations in embedding therapeutic practice across their services.

If you would like more information or to discuss how Meadows Psychology Service can help your organisation implement the PACE therapeutic parenting approach, please get in touch.

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