The PACE Parenting Series: Acceptance

What is Acceptance?

Acceptance means embracing and valuing children and young people for who they are and without judgement.

Implementing the principle of “acceptance” in P.A.C.E therapeutic parenting involves the use of key communication skills which seek to validate the young person’s emotions and foster a non-judgmental and supportive parent/carer-child relationship.

Acceptance is about telling the child, verbally and non-verbally, “I get that this feels like a big deal for you”. We are showing that we accept the thoughts, feelings, perceptions and memories which lie underneath a particular behaviour.

It is about being mindful of the child’s early experiences and how they may be impacting upon the behaviour we see today.

The PACE Parenting Series: Acceptance

In short, acceptance is:

  • Understanding that the thoughts and feelings driving behaviour are not right or wrong.
  • Using verbal and non-verbal ways of communicating that a young person’s thoughts and feelings are ok.

  • Being mindful of the young person’s early experiences, and how these might be impacting upon the behaviour we see today.

  • A way of building relational safety, where a child feels able to explore what is going on for them beneath the behaviour.

Acceptance is not:

  •  Being lenient or tolerant of inappropriate behaviour.
  •  Having no boundaries or limits.
  • Trying to “fix” or solve things.
  • Responding to or punishing the behaviour.

Examples of How We Can Convey Acceptance

Matching Affect Expression:

This means adapting our affect (emotional) expression based on that of the child‘s to show that we are connected to their inner experience.

E.g., If they speak in a quiet voice, we can keep our own voice quiet. Or, If they are angry, we can speak in a more animated/ expressive way (without being angry) in response.

Validation:

The PACE Parenting Series: Acceptance

Acknowledging and embracing emotions rather than judging or correcting behaviour can help the child feel heard and seen.

Even if a thought or feeling seems like a minor issue to us, we are truly connecting with the child by showing that we know it is a big deal for them.

Keep Going Back:

It is important that we keep showing up with positive regard for the young person, even after they have said or done something hurtful.

This helps us to communicate that they are still worthy of care and respect and, importantly, that we are not going to abandon them when things get tough

Acceptance might sound like:

“You really feel like I don’t care about you. That must be a really horrible feeling.”

“I can see how you feel this is really unfair. It can be really tough when we want to play longer.”

“I can hear that you are saying that you hate me. You sound really angry. I’ll be here for you until this feeling passes.”

Why is Acceptance Difficult?

Showing acceptance in the moment can be tough. It goes against what we often naturally want to do; which is to evaluate and try to change the behaviour.

Lots of us are also very used to using traditional behaviour management techniques (e.g., responding punitively to undesirable behaviours to try to discourage the child from repeating those behaviours).

However, it is important to remember that children or young people who have experienced trauma are often hyperalert to threat. Evaluating their behaviour is likely to activate their defence system and trigger feelings of shame.

What are the Benefits of Using Acceptance?

By showing acceptance, you are showing that you accept the young person’s thoughts, feelings and perceptions without judgement.

It communicates that our positive regard for the child is unconditional.

When we use acceptance, we are showing the young person that it is ok to feel the way they do.

How Does Acceptance fit with the PACE Model?

The PACE Parenting Series: Acceptance

The PACE Model is an attachment-focused approach developed by Dr Dan Hughes that aims to promote attunement and connection in your interactions with children who have experienced developmental trauma.

The P.A.C.E model consists of four principles:

1.      Playfulness

2.      Acceptance

3.      Curiosity

4.      Empathy

Evidence shows that by consistently and effectively applying the four principles of P.A.C.E parenting, carers are better able to provide a child with the emotional containment and relational safety they need to develop secure attachments and begin to heal from their early traumatic experiences.

Acceptance is crucial to developing nurturing, secure attachment relationships with children who have experienced trauma.

Experiencing early trauma has a significant impact on a child’s brain development, and they can have difficulty regulating their emotions and making sense of their inner experiences.

When the adults around them convey acceptance, it provides the child with opportunities to safely explore and communicate what is going on underneath their behaviour.

How Meadows Psychology Service Can Help You to Implement the PACE Approach

The PACE Parenting Series: Acceptance

At Meadows Psychology Service, we truly believe that in order to support children and young people to heal from their experiences of trauma, the system around them needs to work therapeutically.

Our expert team provides guidance, support, and training to ensure staff have the necessary skills and strategies to support the formation of secure attachments with young people who have experienced developmental trauma.

Through supporting organisations to implement the PACE therapeutic approach, we aim to:

  • Enhance the carer’s psychological understanding of the needs of children and young people.
  • Develop carer’s skills in therapeutic parenting and therapeutic practice
  • Support team cohesion
  • Create meaningful change for carers, staff teams and the children and young people you care for.

If you would like more information or would like to discuss how Meadows Psychology Service can help your organisation to implement a PACE approach, please get in touch and keep your eyes peeled for the next blog in our PACE series: Curiosity!

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